My own "purse"onal CSI

So, about a week ago my purse was stolen. I'm not sure how, or when exactly. I was at Wally's getting some groceries, and I remember paying for the goods and putting my card back into my purse. After that...no recollection.
Initially I thought that maybe the kiddies were up to their regular shenanigans and had hid it from me. But, when each child was pulled aside and asked of the purses whereabouts they all responded with a unified " I dunno"!
After finally accepting the fact the my dearies were not responsible for the missing purse, I headed back to place of it's last sighting...Walmart.
After checking several times, the customer service employee informed me that no BRIGHT YELLOW PURSE had been returned.
I was a little irritated by the news...mostly becuase it meant I had to go to the DMV and get a new license. Little did I know that that was just the beginning of my problems.
Though still not fully convinced my purse was missing...or more specifically stolen, I hesitantly notified the bank of my missing debit card, cancelled my account as I had a empty book of checks in my purse and got a new account number. I called all of my credit card companies and notified them of the situation and alerted all of the merchants who I have on auto withdrawel and gave them new account info. I also called the South Jordan police department and filed a report with them at the urging of some concerned and very knowledgeable friends (thank you, thank you...you know who you are).
I headed down to hell on earth aka the DMV and got a new drivers license. Ironically, the lady standing next to me was there getting a new license because her purse had been stolen. I was eavesdropping...that's how I know.
Done.
Or so I thought.
When I got home from the DMV I noticed a voicemail on my phone from what looked like a toll free number. Normally I would just delete it, thinking it was a solicitor or the dang creditors calling for the dude who once used my current number. But, I went ahead and listened. It happened to be Target's fraud department calling to inform me that there were some suspicious charges on my Target card. I immediately called them back and found out that there had been three charges made to my card, all totaling approximately $150, and all made at various gas stations in the south valley area. I confirmed that the charges were fraudulent and filed a dispute with Target. Good. Done. Finished.
Not so.
After I got off the phone, Chad informed me that the bank had called to notify him of some suspicious charges. At this point they knew about the missing debit card, as I had just been in there to close the account and get a new one. Chad disputed the charges made (including the $75 dollar charge at a Maverick...is it just me or does it sound like someone's planning the mack daddy of keg parties?) They told him they would notify him of anymore suspicious charges that posted to the account. Okay. Done. Finally.
Not!
Fastforward to today, Monday. I was leaving the gym, high on life...and vitamin water, when I noticed a strange number pull up on my phone. Again, I wouldn't normally answer a call from an unrecognizable number, but in lieu of the stolen purse ordeal I answered.
It was the bank calling to inform me that they had had a woman stop at their drive-thru, who tried to present my I.D. for making a withdrawel.
I immediately informed them that my purse had been stolen a little over a week ago and that the woman was not who she said she was. The lady from the bank said that the imposter-thief woman had already hit up two banks prior to theirs and withdrawn $800 from the account...the new account...which I had just set up. She informed me that they stalled her for as long as they could in the drive-thru, long enough to call the police and have them arrive. However, when she saw that the jig was up she laid on the gas and jumped the curb and fled...in her brand new pearl-white, Audi A6...which I believe I helped pay for...well Chad paid for (ironically an Audi A6 is Chad's dream car. Although, when it came time to purchase one I think he imagined it for himself and not for some scuzzy, scum bag, liar, cheater pants, fugitive, vigilante.
I told the bank lady I was close and could stop by. She said to come in because the policeman was still there and I could talk to him.
When I arrived, the officer was waiting. He took my information and gave me back my confiscated drivers license and wrote a few notes before leaving.
The rest of the time was spent setting up yet another account and filing yet another dispute, this time for the $800 withdrawel.
I did learn that the driver of the car had long dark hair, and was on the plumper side. She was also sporting ginormous sun glasses so as to conceal her lying, thieving cheater-face.
Before leaving the bank I also learned that the said cheater-face had ran a red light on 106th south. It sounded like she had been pulled over, but I don't know that for sure. I also don't know, if she was in fact pulled over, that the officer citing her knew she was in the process if fleeing a crime scene. I hope that news travels quickly amongst police departments and that she's currently sitting in a police station somewhere receiving a very rough cavity search.
But, if she wasn't caught this time, I hope that she will be soon. I'm hopeful it will be soon. Fingers crossed.
I'll be sure to share the dramatic conclusion...if there is one.
In the meantime keep your purse close and your eyes peeled for a bright yellow purse being toted by a hefty, dark-haired, large be-spectacled woman. And if you chance to meet her feel free to elbow her in her Adam's apple...cause that's what I'd do.