Thursday, March 25, 2010

If Adolf Hitler were a puppet...

So, Carter just finished up his class rotation of biography reports. He was given the choice of picking someone famous, or infamous in his case, to research and report on.
He chose...Adolf Hitler. Shocker!!!
Frankly, I was a little concerned at first, that he would CHOOSE to research someone so...well, horrible for lack of a better word. And then I remebered back to when I was in sixth grade and preparing for my sixth grade oral report.
The morning of, I recall my mother handing me a felt swastika and black eyeliner pencil to put in my backpack for later use.
When I got to school and it came time to stand before the class, one by one, and share what we had learned, I pulled out the felt, swastika armband my mother had made for me and secured it appropriately around my upper, left arm. Then I removed my mother's black eyeliner pencil and drew on the tiniest of moustaches above my upper lip. Voila!!! There I was...Hitler incarnate.
I remember feeling slightly uncomfortable standing before the class...not only reporting on pretty much the worst human being to ever grace the earth, but looking like a miniature version of him to boot.
I couldn't tell if Mrs. Wright's smirk meant, "look at the little cute Aryan, Adolph Hitler wannabe", or "what a horribly atrocious sight" and frankly it didn't matter. All I wanted to do was finish my report and abandoned the swastika and "stache".
Thankfully for Carter, no dress up was involved...only a creepy puppet.
His assignment was to make a puppet resembling that of Hitler, which he would then use to deliver his report in front of the class. As I said, creepy. But atleast the boy wasn't having to dress up like the dude.
Anywho, here he is...Adolf Hitler, puppet style. I've also included a few facts Carter shared during his report for your edification.

Adolf Hitler
Born April 20, 1889 in Braunau Austria to Alois and Klara Hitler
Was a bright, intelligent and popular child.
Considered becoming a monk at one time.
Wanted to go to art school which his father did not support.
Was rejected by two art schools which humiliated him greatly.
Volunteered for German army and was a great soldier, receiving several medals.
Was a great and influential speaker which propelled him into a life of politics.
Became the leader of the NAZI party.
Believed in a "master race"...blond hair and blue eyes.
Killed many people and died by suicide.
Will forever be remembered as a tyrant and the guy with a teeny moustache.

Monday, March 22, 2010

My own "purse"onal CSI

So, about a week ago my purse was stolen. I'm not sure how, or when exactly. I was at Wally's getting some groceries, and I remember paying for the goods and putting my card back into my purse. After recollection.
Initially I thought that maybe the kiddies were up to their regular shenanigans and had hid it from me. But, when each child was pulled aside and asked of the purses whereabouts they all responded with a unified " I dunno"!
After finally accepting the fact the my dearies were not responsible for the missing purse, I headed back to place of it's last sighting...Walmart.
After checking several times, the customer service employee informed me that no BRIGHT YELLOW PURSE had been returned.
I was a little irritated by the news...mostly becuase it meant I had to go to the DMV and get a new license. Little did I know that that was just the beginning of my problems.
Though still not fully convinced my purse was missing...or more specifically stolen, I hesitantly notified the bank of my missing debit card, cancelled my account as I had a empty book of checks in my purse and got a new account number. I called all of my credit card companies and notified them of the situation and alerted all of the merchants who I have on auto withdrawel and gave them new account info. I also called the South Jordan police department and filed a report with them at the urging of some concerned and very knowledgeable friends (thank you, thank know who you are).
I headed down to hell on earth aka the DMV and got a new drivers license. Ironically, the lady standing next to me was there getting a new license because her purse had been stolen. I was eavesdropping...that's how I know.
Or so I thought.
When I got home from the DMV I noticed a voicemail on my phone from what looked like a toll free number. Normally I would just delete it, thinking it was a solicitor or the dang creditors calling for the dude who once used my current number. But, I went ahead and listened. It happened to be Target's fraud department calling to inform me that there were some suspicious charges on my Target card. I immediately called them back and found out that there had been three charges made to my card, all totaling approximately $150, and all made at various gas stations in the south valley area. I confirmed that the charges were fraudulent and filed a dispute with Target. Good. Done. Finished.
Not so.
After I got off the phone, Chad informed me that the bank had called to notify him of some suspicious charges. At this point they knew about the missing debit card, as I had just been in there to close the account and get a new one. Chad disputed the charges made (including the $75 dollar charge at a it just me or does it sound like someone's planning the mack daddy of keg parties?) They told him they would notify him of anymore suspicious charges that posted to the account. Okay. Done. Finally.
Fastforward to today, Monday. I was leaving the gym, high on life...and vitamin water, when I noticed a strange number pull up on my phone. Again, I wouldn't normally answer a call from an unrecognizable number, but in lieu of the stolen purse ordeal I answered.
It was the bank calling to inform me that they had had a woman stop at their drive-thru, who tried to present my I.D. for making a withdrawel.
I immediately informed them that my purse had been stolen a little over a week ago and that the woman was not who she said she was. The lady from the bank said that the imposter-thief woman had already hit up two banks prior to theirs and withdrawn $800 from the account...the new account...which I had just set up. She informed me that they stalled her for as long as they could in the drive-thru, long enough to call the police and have them arrive. However, when she saw that the jig was up she laid on the gas and jumped the curb and her brand new pearl-white, Audi A6...which I believe I helped pay for...well Chad paid for (ironically an Audi A6 is Chad's dream car. Although, when it came time to purchase one I think he imagined it for himself and not for some scuzzy, scum bag, liar, cheater pants, fugitive, vigilante.
I told the bank lady I was close and could stop by. She said to come in because the policeman was still there and I could talk to him.
When I arrived, the officer was waiting. He took my information and gave me back my confiscated drivers license and wrote a few notes before leaving.
The rest of the time was spent setting up yet another account and filing yet another dispute, this time for the $800 withdrawel.
I did learn that the driver of the car had long dark hair, and was on the plumper side. She was also sporting ginormous sun glasses so as to conceal her lying, thieving cheater-face.
Before leaving the bank I also learned that the said cheater-face had ran a red light on 106th south. It sounded like she had been pulled over, but I don't know that for sure. I also don't know, if she was in fact pulled over, that the officer citing her knew she was in the process if fleeing a crime scene. I hope that news travels quickly amongst police departments and that she's currently sitting in a police station somewhere receiving a very rough cavity search.
But, if she wasn't caught this time, I hope that she will be soon. I'm hopeful it will be soon. Fingers crossed.
I'll be sure to share the dramatic conclusion...if there is one.
In the meantime keep your purse close and your eyes peeled for a bright yellow purse being toted by a hefty, dark-haired, large be-spectacled woman. And if you chance to meet her feel free to elbow her in her Adam's apple...cause that's what I'd do.

Friday, March 19, 2010

This n That

I go through these phases where I have to have two or three projects going simultaneously. This past week was no exception. Here's what's been going on.

I started and completed my teacup clock. I took the artistic liberty of funkifiying it a bit. And I love it, love it, love it. It's hard to see it in the picture, but there is an ever so subtle white pattern on the inner blue circle of the clock. And then, in contrast, a black pattern around the outer rim. Here's to hoping that none of the kiddies are under it when the thing decides to rip out of the wall...that's one hecka heavy clock.

I painted ginormous polki-dots on the nursery wall. It might be a little over the top...the Big Top that is, but the walls just needed a little extra something. Besides, I broke a freaking blood vessel in my wrist painting them on so they are going to stay there for awhile. (No joke, all of a sudden I felt a weird ache in my right wrist and when I looked down I could see a bulge. The next day I had a massive purple bruise where the bulge had been. Who knew there were so many risks involved painting circles?)

I re-did the girlies bedroom. Initially I had been going for a shabby chic look, but somehow channeled grandmas bedroom instead. The girls are pretty wild and crazy, so I decided while they were at school yesterday, I would change their room into something that sorta reflected that. I went with a bird-ish theme.? I painted tree branches on the wall. And adorned each branch with a bright, long-legged birdies. Threw up a few brightly colored bird houses. Changed their ruffly, overly-girlie sheets for bright, retro themed sheets. Replaced their geyser-ly quilts with bright, youthful green comforters instead. And done. It turned out okay...for a school days work. And what's more, it only cost me about $150 to redo everything.

Now, I wonder. What should I do next? I do believe it's the boys' turn. Time to turn their Star Wars themed room into something TOTALLY INTERGALACTIC AND OUT OF THIS WORLD. Suggestions glady accepted.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Tea cup clock.

Okay, this is totally off the subject, and quite possibly way too much info, but I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I was jost using the powda room (for some reason if I say/write it in an English accent it doesn't seem as W.T.) and my ickle Beck-i-kens snuck in and stole all of thee Shaw-min wall I wosn't looking. Whot a little boogie. Guess I shall jost sit hee-ya til he retuns. Ooah I could get on with whot I wos gonna say befoe thee shenanigans began. Try to fo-get that I am writing while ohn the pote. Thank you, kindly.

Shoosh, that was hard writing in an English accent.

Okay, what I meant to say, before being so rudely pranked by a three year was...
I found this totally awesome, totally cute idea for a wall clock out of teacups and saucers. I had imagined putting a cool, funky plate collage on the kitchen wall, but when I saw this picture, I thought it might be cool and sorta bohemian too.

Tea cup clock.

Or...plate collage.

What's a girl to do? I can't decide which I like best. I don't know...what do you think?

P.S. Don't go stealin' my i-de-ah (supposed to sound nicer with an English accent. Hope it worked).

**You know what I just realized. Tea (cups) and England totally go together. It's like I planned this post, or sumthin'...even though I didn't.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Oh...and one more thing.

I failed to mention one more highlight from my glorious Reno trip.

See these babies. Guess how much they cost?

FORTY-FIVE FAH-REAKIN' DOLLARS! And I had to by two pair.
Ninety dollars spent ski gloves...NINETY DOLLARS!...ON SKI GLOVES!!! I knew that I was a skiing amateur, but I had no idea that ski gloves were so expensive. Do you know what I could buy with that kinda cash? Oh! Well let me tell you.

1- Three months of dance lessons.

2- A weeks worth of groceries.

3- A gay old time at Tai Pan or Rod Works.

4- A litter of zhu zhu pets.

5- Ninety-five songs off I-tunes.

6- A new pair of much needed jeans, perhaps even two.

7- A few new, very much needed bras...the nice pushy-uppy kind from V.S.

8- A ten year supply of very, very, very much needed "G's".

9- Eighteen caramel apples.

10- Forty-five cheeseburgers from In-n-Out.


Reno- The biggest little city in the world...whatever that means.

Just got back from my little vacay to the biggest little city on earth. Wasn't too thrilled initially as I'm not much into the casino/gambling scene. But, when I got into the room and realized that I had the run of the place for the entire day...I finally got it.

A vacation...a real vacation, where I could take a bubble bath...alone, and I didn't have to worry about washing and folding any of the towels I tossed onto the floor. Or laying on the bed reading, and watching a little T.V. ...Keeping up with the Kardashian's, Eighteen Kids and Counting, Little People, Big World, The Doctor's, Dr. Phil without interruption. Dreaming about what I wanted to eat and knowing that my tummy's dreams could be fulfilled with the touch of a dial.
Yes, I realized, it truly was a vacation and I loved it.

Here are a few highlights:

1- Not crashing on the airplane (I realize my fear of flying is totally nonsensical, but I can't help it...and I am very grateful we didn't go down, Buddy Holly style).

2- Finishing a whole book in the three days I was gone.

3- Eating out = Not cooking.

4- Corn tomatillo from Chevy's. I cannot stop thinking about it.

5- Rotisserie chicken from Boston Market.

6- Sleeping in.

7- Ski lessons.

8- Crashing through a mesh net fence during said ski lesson.

9- Not breaking or fracturing anything (except my pride) during said ski lesson.

10- Going to the bathroom in the hotel room and hearing the unusual sound of snoring coming from the hotel bathroom above me...must have been some night!!!

11- The plentiful domestic altercations from our next door neighbors.

12- Pulling my first slot and losing five dollars.

13- Chad pulling the slots and winning back my five dollars.

14- Reno temple.

15- Thirty-seven phone calls from Avery the first day we were gone.

16- Spending time alone with the hubby.

17- Having a break from being mommy.

18- Hugging my babies when I got home.

Thanks to a husband who can see when I am in need of a break and MAKES me take one.
Thanks to a grandma who still showed up even with a kid who had strep, a kid who had double ear infections and a kid who was puking. No amount of See's candy can say thank you enough, but hopefully it will help repress the memories.